Thursday, September 30, 2010

Survival Guide: Velociraptors

I had a dream that Velociraptors existed and were hungry for the human race. If my dreams are actually premonitions, then you'll be glad you're reading this.

What to do when Velociraptors attack

First, let us assess our situation. Let us assume that assumptions made in current books and movies are correct or else we're already in deep doo.

  • Velociraptors are fast.
  • Velociraptors can learn.
  • Velociraptors eat humans.

Next let us assess our own abilities. There are three basic survival instincts built into nearly all beings. Fight. Run. Hide. Velociraptors are clearly bigger, stronger, and built with more sharp things than humans. Fighting would be unwise. Velocity is right in the name! Naturally, running is out. Therefore through the process of elimination, hiding is our best strategy.

Proper Hiding Procedure

Hiding: To place oneself in a location or position unknown to another.

The most important thing to remember about hiding is that it is both a skill and an art. You can learn the skill and be quite proficient, but you must camouflage with your soul and your heart before you become a true master.

Common hiding places include around corners, behind trees, in closets, under beds, and other often cramped but closed off places. While these are very good places to hide when death is not at stake, we must take a slightly different approach when dealing with these most dangerous of beasts.

Because Velociraptors can learn, they will likely recognize anything that is door-like in appearance and they will take special care to check those places for your delicious flesh. I suggest that you find something that doesn't look like a door yet still functions as a door and hide therein.

One example of such a sneaky door would be the pull down ladder attic. Velociraptors have small claw hands with very little fine motor skills. The dangling string which one would use to pull down this trap-style door would be nearly impossible for a Velociraptor to grab hold. Just to be safe, when you pull the door up, tuck that dangling string in. When using this hiding place, be as still as possible. A Raptor's acute sense of hearing will pick up the creaky boards and be your undoing. I suggest taking a seat with a friend and playing some nice quiet card games until the reptilian hunting party takes leave.

Another example of a sneaky door is the angled attic door. These are most often seen in older houses with an extra half story. The second floor of such a house usually has at least one angled ceiling. The attic door is sometimes a recessed panel opening upwards into the space. If you choose to hide in one of these doors, be sure to strategically place a strap of fabric in the lower corner of the door so that you have a handle to open the door back up. This type of door often has no handle on the inside, so without this fabric strip, you may find yourself well hidden, but also quite trapped.

Trapdoor basements provide an excellent hiding place. Not only is the trapdoor not likely to be recognized as a door by a Velociraptor, but by attatching a rug to the top of the trapdoor, you can make this camouflaged door even more effective. In addition, lifting is a weak point for the Raptor. They would have a great deal of trouble opening the trapdoor in the first place. As a final bonus, your basement can be heavily stocked with canned and dried goods for long term survival situations.

Take the time to look around your home, apartment, or neighborhood for good hiding places.

Special Notes:
Do not let a Velociraptor see you opening these sneaky doors! They are learning creatures and will begin looking for sneaky doors.

Please take special care not to hide in plain sight! Velociraptors differ from Tyrannosaurs in that standing still does not make you invisible to them!

When fighting is the only option

If you are out on an open plain with nowhere to hide, you may need to fight as a last resort. Please consider this advice.

Do not run. Stand your ground and face your enemy. You cannot outrun a Velociraptor and you'll only be exposing your delicious spinal cord. You will need some sort of weapon. In order from most effective to least effective are explosives, firearms, crossbows, swords, and clubs. Because these first three are obvious in their use and to be used at a distance, I will only cover techniques in hand to hand combat.

A Velociraptor's weakest joints are the point at which its head meets its neck and the ankles. Naturally, I am speaking comparatively. The entire body is a force of muscle and sinew, but these are the places you should focus on.

With a club or blunt object: It is necessary for the bludgeoning object to at least double your reach. Your goal is to get the Velociraptor on the ground and to knock it out. Velociraptors have very strong skulls, so it will be necessary for you to aim carefully at the base of the skull to be most effective. You only have one chance for success. When the Raptor leaps, swing across your body not unlike a baseball stance and try to make contact either with the clawed feet or the side of the head. If you make contact, quickly aim a downward blow at the base of the skull. It will likely take multiple swings to subdue your foe.

With a sword or machete: It is again absolutely necessary that your sharp object be at least as long as your arm to double your reach. A Velociraptor is likely to jump when it attacks. Brace yourself, and carefully time your swing. Your swing should be a large fast motion perpendicular to your stance. When the ankles are in range, swing upwards to sever the tendons at the back of the heel and throw off the balance of the jumping beast while at the same time, stepping sideways so as not to be knocked down by the forward force of the Velociraptor's body.. If you've timed your swing carefully and your sword was sharp enough to cause the mentioned damage, you should then take another swing at the head. The ideal situation would have you beheading the creature and posing dramatically over its body.


You have just completed this survival guide. If you meet a Velociraptor and survive the tale with help from this guide, please share your tale that we all may take pride in your success.


  1. Oh! This is the funniest post I've read in ages. But serious, too (of course)! Thank you for making sure if I'm ever the victim of a velociraptor attack I now know how to stay safe. :)

  2. Lol such an amazing and straightforward guide. You should definitely give this to XKCD since he's crazy about raptor survival. You wouldn't believe some of the insane raptor survival guides I've found out there - super technological raptors, hive mind god raptors, etc...

    Me and my friends actually made a video called Velociraptor survival guide that might be a good complement to your blog post here. It mentions both long range and short range combat as well as an escape plan (I hope this isn't spamming!) Anyway if you're interested the link's below!


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